Don't, Can't, Won't

I don't want to be sad
I want to be brave
I don't want to be anxious
I don't want to cave

I can't live in limbo
I can't be between
I can be exact
I can't help but be seen

I will be seen
I won't be thrown aside
I won't be pathetic
I won't hide

Though...

I'm full of fear
Not the good kind though
It makes me nervous
When insecurities show

Some people make me crazy
Not in a good way though
It makes my head spin
When words seem hollow

Why won't you talk to me?
With honesty though
I feel like I'm not seen
Like someone in an old photo

I want to be brave
Not in a foolish way though
But I just need an answer
I may not be here tomorrow

I'm not waiting
Not forever, though,
To love you is your privilege
Don't wait for the afterglow

If you love me now say it
Not because I want to hear it though
If you don't love me say it
Declare it and then I'll know

Things I've Learned: Loans

I have been through the ringer this week. I've tried to get a personal loan at a bank which was denied because I'm in that weird gray area where my "profession" is not normal and I'm in my late 20's and have never been a holder of a credit card. So it's been one of the two...debt to income ratio was off or I didn't have enough credit history.

I've never felt like more of a rejected adult than I have the past few days...

While a little discouraging I have been able to find the goodness that all of this denial offers me:

• I know where I stand as far as my credit rating and what I need to improve.

• I've realized I could take a year improve my history and come back and try again.

• While taking that year I can pay down some student loans significantly and "cut the fat" in other areas that have needed some attention for some time.

Again, while still disappointed that I couldn't get what I was aiming for RIGHT NOW these thoughts above have kind of taken a weight off my shoulders. For at least another year I will not have to repay yet another loan and thus helping myself get out of the debt I already find myself in and in so doing prepare for the eventual loan I will need.

Although the aspects of this post will not excite younger readers I implore you, youth of the now, if you are able get a credit card with a limit and start building a GOOD credit history for the future! Seriously, had I known what I know now I would have done it. Personally, I think the credit system is extremely messed up. 

Like, who says "sorry we can't lend you this money because you haven't been in enough debt in the past to prove you can pay off debt." It's a little silly, but I digress. I'm thankful that God has given me the opportunity to figure this all out and see it clearly without feeling like I have had a total let down. He is good like that in giving us perspective when we need it most. 

Onward and upward as they say.

Cheers

But First...

Coffee is good. It can be hot, iced, and even "frappe'd." It is a beverage of welcome and nostalgia, it defines a cultural norm and transcends most cultures. I have had so many fantastic theological conversations over coffee. I love that beautiful moment when you hold a mug of coffee in your hands on a truly cold morning it makes most every stress of the day ahead go quiet. When you sit with friends drinking coffee and talk about life; the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly, bonds are made and deepened.

It's relationship in a cup.

No matter where I am in the world coffee has been a constant. I have made many relationships with people over coffee. Some of most favorite memories involve coffee and friends/family. I live in a culture that lives, works, and communes over coffee. Let's just say I'm in the right place. 

I love writing and I always have. Someday I do hope to write a book...of what nature I'm not quite sure yet, I'm just waiting for the inspiration to hit. For now I'll stick with writing short blogs sharing thoughts like one would do with friends over coffee. 

I'm excited to get back to writing. It's been a really long time and writing has always been something I love so I'm happy to return to one of the things I have loved all my life.

Let's talk over coffee.